


Identity Crisis

by RagingLethargy (raginglethargy)



Series: The Date Series [5]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Fluff, Getting Together, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Season/Series 03, Sexuality Crisis, post-318
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:35:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24526213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raginglethargy/pseuds/RagingLethargy
Summary: Eddie wakes up with a crick in his neck an hour later. That’s what he gets for falling asleep on the couch with a 200 pound weight on top of him. But he runs a hand down the tendons of Buck’s arm before threading his fingers through Buck’s and Eddie has no regrets.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: The Date Series [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1741876
Comments: 4
Kudos: 193





	Identity Crisis

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry this took so long. I don't have a posting schedule in mind, but I was hoping to keep posting at least once a week. But the world has been really overwhelming lately. Hope everyone is safe and well and taking care of their mental and emotional health.

Eddie wakes up with a crick in his neck an hour later. That’s what he gets for falling asleep on the couch with a 200 pound weight on top of him. But he runs a hand down the tendons of Buck’s arm before threading his fingers through Buck’s and Eddie has no regrets.

Even with the heavy weight on his chest, Eddie hasn’t breathed this easily in years. Something’s been broken open inside of him, letting all the tension out. But there’s a new pressure point there now. Smaller than before, but no less noticeable.

Kissing Buck was easy. It felt right. But lying here now, left alone with his thoughts, Eddie might be freaking out a little bit. Ever since asking Buck on a date, Eddie hasn’t let himself think about what this means. Because it wasn’t real. Not until tonight.

But now it might be a little too real.

How is he supposed to tell his family, his friends, that he and Buck are in a relationship? He’s less concerned with their reactions (he could give a flying fuck if they approve or not), but he dreads the questions that will inevitably follow. Because he doesn’t have any answers.

He met Shannon when he was 16 years old. They were the epitome of high school sweethearts. He’d only had a few casual girlfriends before her. Shannon was his first real love.

But lately…he’s wondered if she really was. Sure, he had cared about her. Then she’d gotten pregnant with Christopher and that’s what had set them on the path to marriage. Eddie doesn’t know anymore if they still would have ended up married if she had never gotten pregnant.

Eddie doesn’t doubt he was sexually attracted to Shannon, but he’s starting to wonder if he was ever actually romantically attracted to Shannon.

He may be a little out of touch, but he listens when Hen talks. And he knows now that there’s a difference between sexual and romantic identity. It’s not just straight versus gay versus bi versus pan anymore. He could be heterosexual and homoromantic. Or vice versa or a mix of a bunch of them.

He just doesn’t know.

He liked kissing Buck, but was that just a side effect of being homoromantic if that’s, in fact, how he identifies?

Eddie doesn’t know if he wants to have sex with Buck.

Like, objectively, he can admire Buck’s body. But the idea of being intimate with Buck doesn’t feel as natural as kissing him. Is that a sign that he’s strictly heterosexual or does he have socially ingrained shame to deal with?

Eddie knows what his dad would say. Eddie grew up being told masculinity is the same as being straight. That a gay man could not be masculine and therefore would be a disgrace to their culture. Eddie doesn’t hold other men to that standard, he’s open-minded enough to have figured that out, but he knows he still holds himself to it.

And he’s starting to think that’s exactly why it’s taken him this long to realize all this about himself. To even consider it. He wonders if he would have figured this all out earlier if he had grown up in a different culture or family.

But that would mean he wouldn’t have Christopher, so he can’t entertain that thought for too long.

So in a way, Eddie’s glad it’s taken him this long to start thinking about this stuff. He’s glad he’s thinking about this because of Buck. Buck’s the best person he knows. The most loving, the most selfless, the most open person Eddie’s ever met and not a day goes by that he isn’t inspired by Buck.

But does that mean he wants to be with Buck or just be more like Buck?

Eddie knows why he asked Buck on a date. Because he wants Buck to be a part of his family. Officially. The only way that makes sense to him is as his partner. And he doesn’t hate the sound of that.

But that doesn’t mean he’s not still freaking out about what it all means.

“You’re thinking too hard.”

Eddie jumps a bit despite himself. Buck chuckles into his chest. Damn if that doesn’t make Eddie’s heart flutter.

“Just biding my time until this giant on my chest wakes up.”

“Oops, sorry.”

Eddie immediately regrets his joke as Buck rises up and crawls off of Eddie. He’s placated by Buck’s hand on his thigh, though. Buck looks at him with an intense gaze.

“We don’t have to figure this out right now. We just do what feels right for us. Fuck everyone else. I mean, don’t. Fuck anyone else.”

Eddie chuckles and sits upright on the couch. “Don’t worry, not on my agenda. Got my hands full with you.”

Buck blushes at that and leans into Eddie, throwing an arm across the back of the couch. “Want my hands full of you.”

It’s Eddie’s turn to blush. In that moment, he forgets all his doubts. His dick is definitely interested in Buck right now and not just romantically. Eddie goes in for a heated kiss, but it only lasts a few moments before Buck pulls away. Eddie groans in frustration.

“Believe me, I know,” Buck says. “But I really do think we should take this slow. It’s a big change for you. I don’t want to push you too far and have you freak out on me.”

Eddie wants to say he won’t freak out on Buck, but he knows he can’t promise that right now. Then it occurs to him, “Wait, you’re not freaking out?”

Buck ducks his head, smiling wryly. “Not really. I kind of figured out my sexuality awhile ago.”

Damn if that isn’t the last thing Eddie expected to hear come out of Buck’s mouth.

**Author's Note:**

> I swear Christopher will eventually be in this series in a significant way. But this first night is just going on FOREVER and Christopher's at Abuela's all night, so... *shrug*


End file.
